And it was a bust. NaNoWriMo was a huge failure. How huge? My mother cackled when I told her my final word count. I didn’t get my hands on No Plot? No Problem! Until the end of the event, and maybe if I’d had ahead of time it could have helped me with part of my problem. That part is that I had a really great idea, and idea I love, and it turns out that that can be very dangerous during NaNoWriMo. Why? Well, that’s the second problem of mine, and the most difficult for me to solve. I can’t turn off my inner critic. I used to spend hours a day writing. I love it, and writing loved me. But one day I hit a wall, and that’s when my inner critic showed up, and hasn’t stopped harassing me since. This time it saw me ruining my own favorite story, so perfect in my head, and shut that down.
It’s like having someone constantly looking over your shoulder judging you, degrading you, making you sick inside. Of course the inner critic doesn’t only affect writing, but it’s the only hobby of mine it affects, which sucks because I used to love writing so much. If I can I want to try to participate in Camp NaNo next year, and I have some work to do before then. I have to continue to work on my mental health issues, like my crippling anxiety and lack of self-esteem, as well as starting to write everyday again.