While my online life has been pretty good recently, I can’t say the same for the one in the real world. I’ve tried to stay positive about this shit hole I live in, but this place has made it very hard to do so. Today the apartment has decided to stress us out by having a section of the wall in the bathroom fall off, and one of the ceiling tiles collapse. It was only a matter of time for both. That part of the wall was duct taped when we moved in, and it’s been slipping further down until yesterday when it finally fell on the floor. The wood behind it looks somewhat damp and in bad condition, and there’s… dirt (?) everywhere. As for the ceiling, there’s a leak and it’s occasionally been dripping down. The ceiling in most of the apartment is made up of tiles which look like they are some type of cardboard, and apparently above that there is an empty space between the two apartments. I found that out when one of the ceiling tiles in the bathroom collapsed under the weight of the water. The tile soak through and just snapped into two pieces. Right now there’s one small piece left up there, as well as the ceiling tile with the light attached to it. So comforting. The space above the ceiling in the bathroom looks really nasty and it’s clear from the damage that the leak has been there some time. There’s plaster and tiles coming off, I can see the pipes, and what looks like an electrical wire, probably to our light. Again, this is just so comforting. No wonder I found an oriental waterbug in the bathroom a couple weeks ago, this place must be heaven for them.
This is all in addition to the normal crappy apartment stuff, including the fact that it seems there’s an ant colony living here. At least things have calmed down with the upstairs neighbors for now, because that was a nightmare. It’s so awful I can’t even talk about it because it was legally bad. They were evicted, but it seems the woman and her kids were allowed to move back in. With everything that’s been going on here it’s been hard to stay positive about this place, but I feel I have to, not just for my own sanity. This is my first apartment after being homeless for a year. I should be grateful to even have a roof over my head, and have my cats. Even though it’s frustrating here sometimes, I feel like I have to be completely positive and grateful, because what if I take it for granted and I’m punished by the universe, karma, or whatever god there may be. It may seem ridiculous, but in my experience once you’ve experienced homelessness (which I have twice now, though it was a lot easier in the past because I had more family that I could stay with) the fear of it is always in the back of your mind. It’s hard to ever feel stable and secure again because you are acutely aware of the fact that at any second you could be homeless once again. We are hanging by a very thin thread here. This is something I live in fear of every day. I think even if we were rich I’d be afraid of losing my home, though the consequences would be much less severe in that situation.
For now I’ll do my best to put those thoughts at the back of my mind and do some deep breathing exercises, and then clean up some so later the apartment manager can come put a bandaid on a gaping wound.