Also known as, help I don’t know what I’m doing! So, I’m once again attempting NaNoWriMo. I’m already way ahead of where I was last year, and indeed, I’ve broken my own NaNoWriMo record. I’m at 3800 words so far! Pathetic, right? But really, this is a big deal for me. This is as far as I’ve ever gotten in NaNoWriMo before, and more than I’ve written in years.
I used to write all the time. Literally, all the time. Instead of paying attention in school, I was writing. Lunch break – writing. At home – yeah, I was writing when I wasn’t pissing around on the internet. I wrote constantly. And I wasn’t too bad at it. I wasn’t a master at my craft, I was a kid. But I was decent, and if I’d kept at it, I would probably be really good now. That’s what makes writing so hard for me. I know where I could be, and I’m embarrassed at where I am.
There was a lot of reasons why I stopped writing regularly, and the biggest is my depression. I stopped writing around the time things started getting really bad, to the point where writing wasn’t an escape anymore. Then there was a big period of upheaval and uncertainty in my life, all when I was still a kid, which all contributed to a Berlin Wall of a writers block. I’ve made a few tries to get past it, but I’ve been shot down every time. And I haven’t been able to tear it down yet.
I’ve also found new distractions from life like anime, and mindless web-browsing, so I don’t have as much free time. Of course I still have the time, I just fill it with other things that require less focus. If I don’t actually force myself to write, I won’t do it. I’m so intimidated by my past self that I can’t just grab a pen and paper and let my thoughts flow out like I used to. It’s why I barely ever blog. I feel worthless.
One thing that’s helped me this NaNoWriMo is blacking out my text. My whole Open Office file looks like one big redaction. I know I make a ton of mistakes since I can’t see what I’m writing, but that isn’t the point of NaNoWriMo. It also helps me turn off my inner editor and critic, because I can’t see what I’m writing. All I see is a black line getting bigger and bigger, and that makes things so much easier.
I really am going to try to make it to 50,000 words. I probably won’t make it, but if I really want to start writing again (and I really do) I need this. I’ll worry about what’s underneath all those black lines later.