“November comes And November goes, With the last red berries And the first white snows. With night coming early, And dawn coming late, And ice in the bucket And frost by the gate. The fires burn And the kettles sing, And earth sinks to rest Until next spring.”
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Also known as, help I don’t know what I’m doing! So, I’m once again attempting NaNoWriMo. I’m already way ahead of where I was last year, and indeed, I’ve broken my own NaNoWriMo record. I’m at 3800 words so far! Pathetic, right? But really, this is a big deal for me. This is as far as I’ve ever gotten in NaNoWriMo before, and more than I’ve written in years. I used to write all the time. Literally, all the time. Instead of paying attention in school, I was writing. Lunch break – writing. At home – yeah, I was writing when I wasn’t pissing around on the internet. I wrote constantly. And I wasn’t too bad at it. I wasn’t a master at my craft, I was a kid. But I was decent, and if I’d kept at it, I would probably be really good now. That’s what makes writing so hard for me. I know where I could be, and I’m embarrassed at where I am. There was a lot of reasons why I stopped writing regularly, and the biggest is my depression. I stopped writing around the time things started getting really bad, to the point where writing wasn’t an escape anymore. Then there was a big period of upheaval and uncertainty in my life, all when I was still a kid, which all contributed to a Berlin Wall of a writers block. I’ve made a few tries to get past it, but I’ve been shot down every time. And I haven’t been able to tear it down yet. I’ve also found new distractions from life like anime, and mindless web-browsing, so I don’t have as much free time. Of course I still have the time, I just fill it with other things that require less focus. If I don’t actually force myself to write, I won’t do it. I’m so intimidated by my past self that I can’t just grab a pen and paper and let my thoughts flow out like I used to. It’s why I barely ever blog. I feel worthless. One thing that’s helped me this NaNoWriMo is blacking out my text. My whole Open Office file looks like one big redaction. I know I make a ton of mistakes since I can’t see what I’m writing, but that isn’t the point of NaNoWriMo. It also helps me turn off my inner editor and critic, because I can’t see what I’m writing. All I see is a black line getting bigger and bigger, and that makes things so much easier. I really am going to try to make it to 50,000 words. I probably won’t make it, but if I really want to start writing again (and I really do) I need this. I’ll worry about what’s underneath all those black lines later.
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