I’ve been in therapy for a couple months now. I haven’t found it helpful in the past, and I don’t find it helpful now. I consider myself to be pretty self-aware and in tune with my thoughts and emotions, so talking about things doesn’t make me discover anything new or insightful. I generally know why I feel the way I feel and why I do the things I do. Therapy is also deeply uncomfortable for me. I dread it. I always feel so violated. I am a very quiet, private person and I don’t like to talk, especially about myself. I’m not very confrontational, I’m an appeaser, so when I’m asked something by someone I feel is in a position of power, I feel like I have to answer, whether I want to talk about it or not. Therapy is like being ripped open and having someone take a peak at your insides and poke around. It’s so stressful sometimes my FitBit thinks I’m doing cardio. Now I also have to go to a psychiatrist every month for my meds, and I already don’t like her. She says therapy is only helpful if you put in as much as you want out. So basically it’s my fault if I don’t find it helpful. She also wants me to do exposure therapy, and fuck that shit. She’s a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Just give me my meds and leave the therapy to my therapist. I know shrinks are helpful to a lot of people, but talking therapy doesn’t help me, and they literally don’t give you any advice or suggestions that you can’t find on the internet or in books for free. I just hate this so much. I’m going to see if I can have my appointments every other week instead of every week from now on.
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I don’t feel well. I don’t no any other way to put it. I’ve been on paroxetine for about two years now. While it helps a great deal my PCP and the psychiatrist they have there wondered if there was a better medication for me, which led to me being put on imipramine. This new medication and the decreasing dosage of my old one is kicking my ass. I’ve been off my paroxetine before and it is always extremely difficult. I have severe depression and anxiety and I don’t function well without medication. I don’t know if it’s the lower dosage of the paroxetine, the imipramine, or a combination of both (probably the latter), but my body is tolerating the change particularly badly this time. Right now I’m on edge, sick to my stomach, wiped out, dizzy, short of breath, and every so often my heart pounds for a few seconds and there’s like a blood rush to my head. My cheeks and ears are brick red which usually happens when my blood pressure is up. I can barely type this but I feel I need to vent. It’s 4 AM, I can’t talk to my mom or call my doctor so all I have is this. There wasn’t really any affect (or effect because I can’t focus right now) when I first started taking it. I saw my doctor not long after starting so I didn’t have anything to say about the new med when I went in for the follow up. A few days later it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was very dizzy and dead tired but I couldn’t sleep. I was half awake for a few hours, then when I finally fell asleep I had nightmare after nightmare and woke up sweating. Later in the day I felt better, and was less dizzy the next day, but I’ve still been having trouble with exhaustion. The kind you can feel behind your eyes and making your head and face sore and your limbs, not even heavy, but like they won’t listen to you. I get hungry but food doesn’t taste good. Even though it has a taste it still tastes like nothing. And my mood is horrible. I alternate between emptiness and wanting to cry, sometimes at the same time. Had a crying spell the other night and I can’t remember the last time I had one of those. And I’m becoming furious at the drop of a hat. An hour ago I tried to go to sleep and after a couple minutes gave up because I feel so anxious and sick to my stomach. I want it to be day so I can call my doctor. I was initially just going to tell her about the problems I’ve been having, because I still felt that it would be best for her and the psych to decided what to do, but now I’m going to tell her that the imipramine is a no go and I need to be weaned off it, and go back up to my regular dose of paroxetine. Even if things would level out once I was completely off the paroxetine and on the full dosage of imipramine (150!) (and I was told there is an interaction between them, though she didn’t say what), I can’t wait for that. I stuck with it after I felt somewhat better after that really bad night, but it’s been several days since and I can’t continue like this. My paroxetine isn’t perfect, but it’s better than this.
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