I’m getting my ass kicked by depression. I have no will to do anything. Read. Watch anime. Nothing. Food is tasteless. I’m on 4 medications now. I am put on a med, they raise the dose, switch me to another med. I have taken 3 other medications in the past few years other than the ones I am currently on. My anxiety isn’t any better either. I have several panic attacks a week. At its worst, my hands are shaking like a drunk, and my teeth are chattering. I’m supposed to go back into therapy soon, but it hasn’t helped any other time I’ve done it. I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing inside me.
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I’ve been in therapy for a couple months now. I haven’t found it helpful in the past, and I don’t find it helpful now. I consider myself to be pretty self-aware and in tune with my thoughts and emotions, so talking about things doesn’t make me discover anything new or insightful. I generally know why I feel the way I feel and why I do the things I do. Therapy is also deeply uncomfortable for me. I dread it. I always feel so violated. I am a very quiet, private person and I don’t like to talk, especially about myself. I’m not very confrontational, I’m an appeaser, so when I’m asked something by someone I feel is in a position of power, I feel like I have to answer, whether I want to talk about it or not. Therapy is like being ripped open and having someone take a peak at your insides and poke around. It’s so stressful sometimes my FitBit thinks I’m doing cardio. Now I also have to go to a psychiatrist every month for my meds, and I already don’t like her. She says therapy is only helpful if you put in as much as you want out. So basically it’s my fault if I don’t find it helpful. She also wants me to do exposure therapy, and fuck that shit. She’s a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Just give me my meds and leave the therapy to my therapist. I know shrinks are helpful to a lot of people, but talking therapy doesn’t help me, and they literally don’t give you any advice or suggestions that you can’t find on the internet or in books for free. I just hate this so much. I’m going to see if I can have my appointments every other week instead of every week from now on.
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