I hope I don’t have to make a third post titled “lowest”. My mood has only continued to go down after my last post. I had a pretty bad Thanksgiving. I almost made it through the day without making too bad of a memory, but mommy dearest came through in the end and made it another nightmare. It wasn’t just her, she had help from someone else who shall remain nameless, but without them, she wouldn’t have been as bad as she was. In fact, it might have been a pleasant occasion. We went to my aunt Cyndy’s, mainly for my aunt Bonnie, who I hadn’t seen in at least 7 years. She had a heart attack this year, so there was a feeling urgency for the fam to get together. Bon was great, Cyn was great, the cats were great, the other two… Well, I already said that. It took me a day to get over the ordeal, and my mother was particularly nice to me for a bit afterwards. I guess some part of her realized how bad she fucked up. On Saturday my mom was procrastinating doing her laundry, and ended up starting it fairly late in the day. While she was putting her clothes in the dryer, she smelled something, and noticed smoke coming from the other washing machine. She called 911 and the situation was resolved with minimal damage (except for the fact the laundromat is now closed). If she hadn’t been there at that exact time, the fire would have been much more serious, and the whole building could have been lost. This is something I worry about everyday. This place is badly maintained and has a lot of problems, as I’ve mentioned before. Fire is always a risk, no matter where you live, but this shithole does have a greater chance of it. This only confirms my fears are founded, which isn’t a great thing for a person with debilitating anxiety and depression. We were supposed to move out when our lease is up, but it looks like we’re stuck here, for who knows how long. The “thing” I mentioned in the past, which I knew would happen, fell through worse than I thought it would. We were supposed to have help with it, but apparently once you get rejected they abandon you. Since the majority are rejected first time, I don’t know what help they’re supposed to give. I received noticed today of the letter they sent to the place of rejection, stating they were dropping their representation of me. What representation, I don’t know. They filled out the form. That is all. We were expecting help with the appeal, so this sent us into a tail spin. Without help, we’d surely fail. We’re thinking of hiring a lawyer now. With acceptance for that we’d have the money to at least move to a different apartment that isn’t a slum, if not a house. But we’re trapped here. And now my mother is sick. I know, I know that it’s just a cold, but I can’t help but worry. My anxiety has been so bad lately I’ve broken through to a new level of anxiousness – manic. I did the dishes and cleaned like a whirlwind, and almost fainted. I’ve broken out in an itchy rash which started in a small section under my left wrist, then took over the inside of that arm, and spread to my right. And my chest aches like a muscle that’s been overworked. It’s to the point that my next appointment I’m going to ask for xanax, or the like, because I need some extra help that my regular medication isn’t giving me. There are some bright spots in my life. I’m greatly looking forward to the new Star Wars movie, it looks so good. And of course the Steam sale starts in a couple weeks. I haven’t watched any anime in a while, I’ve just had too much going on, but there’s a lot of good series/sequels I need to watch, like Durarara!!, Noragami, and K. I’ve also gotten back into Subeta. I take a lot of breaks, but in the end I always go back to it. I’ve come to terms with all the changes that have happened since I first joined, and I’m enjoying it again. I’ve made a super cute winter avatar, and I’m working on a Christmas version as well. Well, enough rambling from me. I’m going to have some more giveaways up soon, as well as a couple Steam posts when the time comes.
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Title is self explanatory. I’m miserable. I’ve been struggling the past few months, more than usual since starting my meds. I was forced off them again temporarily because my doctor wouldn’t renew my prescription without seeing me, and I was having trouble getting there. I’ve gone off my meds several times since starting them a year ago, and every time it gets harder. And even when I’m taking my medication, there’s still some things it can’t help with, like the fact that I’m living in a slum in a shitty area. Our mail is repeatedly stolen. All summer I did battle with the ant colony that lives in our building. For the first few months we lived here, there was an abusive couple upstairs. The man beat the shit out of the woman, and they both beat the shit out of the kids. And there’s always something wrong with the place. There are leaks everywhere, with the ceiling tiles cracking and buckling under the weight of the water. Sometimes they get replaced, only to be soaked when the leak starts again. One of the leaks was in the bathroom right above the light. That leak has been fixed, but the tile wasn’t replaced. The ceiling tile is breaking, and the light is starting to separate from it. The walls are cracking, with the bathroom wall being the worst. Every day more of it falls down, exposing the dirty, rotting wood behind the plaster. Pill bugs are always crawling out of it, and once I saw a small millipede. I’m not exaggerating the the place is a slum, and our landlord a slum lord. But the people forced to live under slumlords rarely have the ability or resources to fight against them. On top of all that other things have been stressing me out, which I don’t want to talk about here. It’s greatly increasing the stress and a big part of that is because it’ll be much harder to get out of this hell hole and better our living conditions. The only thing I can say for it is that it has at least been moving quickly, so maybe it will continue to do so, so hopefully thing’s will be resolved in my favor within the next few months. T went to visit her family over the weekend due to a health crisis, so we got to watch her animals. I stayed over one night, but didn’t have it in my to stay any longer, because it was too hard being away from my own pets. I was very happy to see Fuzzy though, who I’ve missed greatly. I miss Beebs and Littles too, but at least they have each other. My Fuzzball needs more attention than they do. See was so happy to see me, bouncing around and licking me. When I sat on the couch she jumped up next to me and put her paw on my arm. The night I stayed over she slept with me. She’s such a good dog. It was so hard to leave her, she was so sad. We hope to get a house within the next couple years, and if/when we do we’re going to fight hard to get Fuzzy. As we’re heading into the holiday season, my mood will not improve. We probably won’t have a Thanksgiving, and we definitely won’t be having Christmas, but we will be forced to hear about them non-stop.
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