I keep thinking that every time I have to deal with these bastards. I repeatedly tell them all to die whenever I see them. Of course I mean the insects whenever I think that, but I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty when my mom got the call that one of my aunts had a heart attack. It wasn’t entirely unexpected. My grandmother had many heart attacks, and my aunt is older and used to be overweight. It’s one of the many worries that is always at the back of my mind. No matter how much I think about it, it’s still a shock when it happens. I haven’t seen that aunt in about 7 years, and only briefly spoke to her once in the same amount of time. We got into an argument back then, and that was all she wrote. We can hold grudges in this family. It comes from my grandmothers side. Her father once stopped speaking to her, Nanny wouldn’t talk to people when they pissed her off, and my aunt stopped talking to me. I was very surprised and happy when she finally broke her silence last year. Even though we’re still distant now, I wouldn’t want anything to happen to her. My grandmother was older when she had my mother, and my mother waited to have a child, so my family is older, and slowly disappearing. My grandmother died when I was 15, then her only remaining sister died a year and a half ago, and my grandfather died last summer. Now mortality rears its ugly head again, even though death claimed no one this time. As for those little monsters that are terrorizing me, I am losing both the battle and the war. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but there’s a colony living in this building. I find one of their ant hills, they go to another. They even build ant hills near the litter box using kitty litter! They are industrious little fuckers, I’ll give them that, but I despise them. Summer in Pittsburgh has always brought ants inside looking for food, but I’ve never had to deal with actually living with them! These squatters have got to go. They are quite literally driving me crazy. My mom got some supposedly pet safe, all natural insecticide, and damn does it smell potent! They do warn on the bottle that people who are sensitive to smells should beware. My sense of smell is pretty bad, but even I can tell it stinks to high heaven. It better damn well be non-toxic to pets and people considering how much of it we’ve all breathed in. I even got a pretty good whiff of it when I was spraying. I think it’s supposed to be a foam, but no matter how much I shake it only sprays halfheartedly. At least this seems to have driven them away from that area. The last ant poison we got they actually liked. They built a hill right next to it. It said it was only good for a few types of ants, so I guess we have the especially hardy kind. I won’t let these creatures of evil win, though. They have a life long enemy in me!
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While my online life has been pretty good recently, I can’t say the same for the one in the real world. I’ve tried to stay positive about this shit hole I live in, but this place has made it very hard to do so. Today the apartment has decided to stress us out by having a section of the wall in the bathroom fall off, and one of the ceiling tiles collapse. It was only a matter of time for both. That part of the wall was duct taped when we moved in, and it’s been slipping further down until yesterday when it finally fell on the floor. The wood behind it looks somewhat damp and in bad condition, and there’s… dirt (?) everywhere. As for the ceiling, there’s a leak and it’s occasionally been dripping down. The ceiling in most of the apartment is made up of tiles which look like they are some type of cardboard, and apparently above that there is an empty space between the two apartments. I found that out when one of the ceiling tiles in the bathroom collapsed under the weight of the water. The tile soak through and just snapped into two pieces. Right now there’s one small piece left up there, as well as the ceiling tile with the light attached to it. So comforting. The space above the ceiling in the bathroom looks really nasty and it’s clear from the damage that the leak has been there some time. There’s plaster and tiles coming off, I can see the pipes, and what looks like an electrical wire, probably to our light. Again, this is just so comforting. No wonder I found an oriental waterbug in the bathroom a couple weeks ago, this place must be heaven for them. This is all in addition to the normal crappy apartment stuff, including the fact that it seems there’s an ant colony living here. At least things have calmed down with the upstairs neighbors for now, because that was a nightmare. It’s so awful I can’t even talk about it because it was legally bad. They were evicted, but it seems the woman and her kids were allowed to move back in. With everything that’s been going on here it’s been hard to stay positive about this place, but I feel I have to, not just for my own sanity. This is my first apartment after being homeless for a year. I should be grateful to even have a roof over my head, and have my cats. Even though it’s frustrating here sometimes, I feel like I have to be completely positive and grateful, because what if I take it for granted and I’m punished by the universe, karma, or whatever god there may be. It may seem ridiculous, but in my experience once you’ve experienced homelessness (which I have twice now, though it was a lot easier in the past because I had more family that I could stay with) the fear of it is always in the back of your mind. It’s hard to ever feel stable and secure again because you are acutely aware of the fact that at any second you could be homeless once again. We are hanging by a very thin thread here. This is something I live in fear of every day. I think even if we were rich I’d be afraid of losing my home, though the consequences would be much less severe in that situation. For now I’ll do my best to put those thoughts at the back of my mind and do some deep breathing exercises, and then clean up some so later the apartment manager can come put a bandaid on a gaping wound.
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