Also known as, help I don’t know what I’m doing! So, I’m once again attempting NaNoWriMo. I’m already way ahead of where I was last year, and indeed, I’ve broken my own NaNoWriMo record. I’m at 3800 words so far! Pathetic, right? But really, this is a big deal for me. This is as far as I’ve ever gotten in NaNoWriMo before, and more than I’ve written in years. I used to write all the time. Literally, all the time. Instead of paying attention in school, I was writing. Lunch break – writing. At home – yeah, I was writing when I wasn’t pissing around on the internet. I wrote constantly. And I wasn’t too bad at it. I wasn’t a master at my craft, I was a kid. But I was decent, and if I’d kept at it, I would probably be really good now. That’s what makes writing so hard for me. I know where I could be, and I’m embarrassed at where I am. There was a lot of reasons why I stopped writing regularly, and the biggest is my depression. I stopped writing around the time things started getting really bad, to the point where writing wasn’t an escape anymore. Then there was a big period of upheaval and uncertainty in my life, all when I was still a kid, which all contributed to a Berlin Wall of a writers block. I’ve made a few tries to get past it, but I’ve been shot down every time. And I haven’t been able to tear it down yet. I’ve also found new distractions from life like anime, and mindless web-browsing, so I don’t have as much free time. Of course I still have the time, I just fill it with other things that require less focus. If I don’t actually force myself to write, I won’t do it. I’m so intimidated by my past self that I can’t just grab a pen and paper and let my thoughts flow out like I used to. It’s why I barely ever blog. I feel worthless. One thing that’s helped me this NaNoWriMo is blacking out my text. My whole Open Office file looks like one big redaction. I know I make a ton of mistakes since I can’t see what I’m writing, but that isn’t the point of NaNoWriMo. It also helps me turn off my inner editor and critic, because I can’t see what I’m writing. All I see is a black line getting bigger and bigger, and that makes things so much easier. I really am going to try to make it to 50,000 words. I probably won’t make it, but if I really want to start writing again (and I really do) I need this. I’ll worry about what’s underneath all those black lines later.
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And it was a bust. NaNoWriMo was a huge failure. How huge? My mother cackled when I told her my final word count. I didn’t get my hands on No Plot? No Problem! Until the end of the event, and maybe if I’d had ahead of time it could have helped me with part of my problem. That part is that I had a really great idea, and idea I love, and it turns out that that can be very dangerous during NaNoWriMo. Why? Well, that’s the second problem of mine, and the most difficult for me to solve. I can’t turn off my inner critic. I used to spend hours a day writing. I love it, and writing loved me. But one day I hit a wall, and that’s when my inner critic showed up, and hasn’t stopped harassing me since. This time it saw me ruining my own favorite story, so perfect in my head, and shut that down. It’s like having someone constantly looking over your shoulder judging you, degrading you, making you sick inside. Of course the inner critic doesn’t only affect writing, but it’s the only hobby of mine it affects, which sucks because I used to love writing so much. If I can I want to try to participate in Camp NaNo next year, and I have some work to do before then. I have to continue to work on my mental health issues, like my crippling anxiety and lack of self-esteem, as well as starting to write everyday again.
CATEGORY: Writing   TAGS: ,      
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